Electric Mayhem

I have been seduced by advertising. I blame work, or at least the need to travel to work. I sit on the tube for I don't know how many hours per week. Sometimes I get a seat, sometimes I don't - I need one of those "baby on board" badges; were it not for my obvious masculinity I could probably get away with it, but I digress. Inevitably I glance up at the adverts above the seats. Normally I am immune to advertising, as in completely immovable. But something about the Phillips Sonicare toothbrush caught my eye.....

Like many birders, dental hygiene has never been a strong suit. I mean I don't have orange teeth like a rabid hamster or anything, but let's just say that genetics have not been kind to me. I blame my father, as my mother is from California and thus has beautiful teeth of the kind that are used to advertise electric toothbrushes..... To cut a long story short, I found the thing on Amazon for much less than I thought I would, and was unable to resist pressing "buy it now" or whatever the particular button is. It promised* lovely white teeth. Teeth that there is no real need for me to have at my stage in life, but what the hell, I am a metrosexual man, just a bit slobby of late.

It duly arrived looking duly space age. Impressive. Two brush bits (much like my vacuum cleaner in that respect) and a crappy travel case. Naturally it is gleaming white - can you imagine an off-yellow version? I gave it a quick press, confirmed it buzzes superlatively and expensively, and put it to one side in eager anticipation of the coming evening's brushing ritual. The moment soon came.

A quick wet of the brush head, a quick dollop of Colgate, and away we go.

Bzzzzzzz. Splat.

The toothpaste is gone. As in completely vanished, nowhere to be seen. But wait, what is this red, white and blue streak on the wall? Modern art? Has Mrs L bought a Matisse? I tried again with the same result. Bzzzzzz, and gone. Eh? This time it hit the mirror, and with spectacular results. Ah. I am a quick learner though, and so third time lucky, I did not press go until the brush was in my mouth with my lips firmly closed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet Baby Moses!!!! This thing is like a bucking bronco! Less Phillips, more Black and Decker. It should be illegal it's so powerful! My poor gums had nowhere to hide. The default mode of this thing is that it buzzes for 30 seconds, a slight pause, and then another 30 seconds, the theory being that you concentrate on one quarter of your mouth until the pause, and then move on the other side. But here's the rub. If you left it in one spot in your mouth for the entire 30 seconds it would in fact go straight through your gum and into your brain. So effectively you have to spin it round in circles so that it spends only a nanosecond in any one place, else risk death, or at the very least severe cranial injury. The worst bit is yet to come though. After four periods it moves on to "shine" mode, and you have to use it on the front of your teeth. The bit you smile with, or in my case, grimace with. Except that it now has the force of a hurricane, and will file your teeth back to the bare nerves in about three seconds.. White yes, but very very thin..............I may just have to accept that my 'smile' is best described as "enigmatic" and, er "yellow-ish".......

* I can't believe I am so stupid