There was some element of surprise in
Chateau L a few weeks ago when I signed up for the annual school
class camping trip. Mrs L, having asked me a lot of easy questions to
lull me into a false sense of security, then slipped it in right at
the end. “Would you like to come camping with us?” Sure, I
replied. “OK, well you'll have a nice quiet evening at home then,
there's lots of jobs you could.......hang on, did you just say
'Yes'?” Yes. Smelling salts were procured, cushions arranged, and
gradually wife and mother revived. “You weren't joking? You mean
you'll actually come?” Yes. The children set off fireworks,
celebrations carried on late into the night.
The day finally came around a couple of
weekends ago, following about three days of preparation. Camping
materials materialised from all corners of the house and a huge pile
took shape in the hall. Sadly we were a roll mat short. Ie I wasn't
getting one. Despite my protestations of innocence, it continues to
be widely assumed that I threw it away in one of my purges. Anyway,
the car was packed to the gills for this one night stay, and we drove
the massive distance to the campsite at Loughton. For those of you not
familiar with east London, this is all of about ten miles away and
takes under twenty minutes. If you already own a house in London
(With beds. And mattresses.) frankly it's the ideal place to spend
the night, and has the bonus of costing money too.
We soon found the large group of
parents and the familiar faces of our youngest's classmates. With two
very small 2-3 man tents, we realised very quickly we were seriously
outclassed in the camping gear department. Huge tents with individual
rooms inside, ante-chambers, conservatories. And it didn't stop there
– gas barbeques on tables were being fired up, fridges plugged in,
and worst of all enormous air beds were being inflated. I looked
wistfully at the bare area where my roll mat should have been. But
wait, what's this that Mrs L is handing me? It's only a bloody camp
bed! I wasn't aware we had even got a camp bed, then again the last
time I had been camping was about in 2002 when I was a lot hardier
and had no need of ridiculous home comforts. Where had that been
lurking? She didn't know either. The kids went off to play in the
woods, she got busy on the tents, and I started work on the camp bed.
Shaking out the bag there were a few
poles, some rudimentary legs, and a cloth contraption that was supposed to stretch between the poles. It was clearly older
than I was. So, three poles together to form one side, and slip that
into the sewn sides of the unforgiving cloth bit. Easy. Or so you
would think. Would it fit? I tried it every which way, but I simply
couldn't do it. Exasperating. Meanwhile Mrs L had finished putting up
the second tent, unwrapped her self-inflating sleeping mattress and
popped it inside, and came to over to show her useless husband how it
was done, no doubt looking forward to being able to tell the other
parents that she had erected our entire pitch whilst I joined two
pieces of tube together and struggled with a third.
It was obviously an ancient piece of
crap. No doubt the height of camping luxury in about 1965, it had no
place in the twenty-first century. After both struggling with it for half an hour we admitted sweaty defeat, threw the whole lot in
the campsite wheely bin and opened a bottle of wine instead. Screw
cap, one twist and I was pouring. True innovation. We rejoined the
main group and got out our Tesco disposable barbeques.... Happily one
other of our group also had this lowly method of cooking, and
together we formed a huge rectangle of grilling happiness that I
would like to think had the gas brigade rather envious.
Cooking commenced – sausages, lamb
skewers, chicken wings, burgers. Not all ours I hasten to add, this
was barbequing en masse. Happy adults, booze flowing, chat and
laughter. And then we noticed most of the children were missing....
Clear instructions had been given to stay in groups and to return by
a certain time. It was clearly possible that the first edict had been
adhered to, but we were half an hour past the second. And this wasn't
an enclosed site, it was a series of fields in Epping Forest. Roaming
was limited only by the M25..... Cooking was partly abandoned and we
all set off in different directions to hunt them down. With no
success. With darkness looming one by one we returned without
children. The men of course tried to put a brave face on it. So yes,
we were down most of our offspring, but on the plus side it was a lot
quieter and the burgers were nearly ready. The women on the other
hand began to up the ante. Burgerless I set off west into the woods
again.
Naturally during my second foray, where
I felt I nearly reached the Severn Estuary, the kids returned of
their own accord and ate all the burgers. Turned out they had lost
track of the time and where they were (go figure) and had asked a
couple of teenagers which way the campsite was. Teenagers being the
little shites that they are had sent them in the opposite direction
FOR A LAUGH, and only when they had found some adults and borrowed a
phone to call one of us had things started to recover. Nonetheless it
had been rather a shock, there had been tears from many of them and
perhaps some important lessons learned, which can only be a good
thing. Including never trust teenagers. Once nerves had been calmed
(adults mostly, with the aid of wine) things then returned to normal
pretty quickly, and after a game of football in car headlights the
children drifted off to their various tents leaving the parents to
tend the fire and reflect on a near miss. And drink more prosecco.
So, off to bed. I was not looking
forward to this at all. I had managed to lay out some blankets that I
found in the car to try and provide some kind of cushioning against the hard ground,
but it was pretty hopeless. Mrs L slept soundly on her posh mat and I endured a fitful night. On the plus side it didn't rain – our tent
has seen better days, and whilst it was once completely impervious to
the elements even the slightest moisture now comes straight in. So passed the night, I don't think I slept much and the groans the next morning were pretty impressive. I am not made for sleeping on the ground, and I ached in all sorts of places that I was not aware of being able to ache in. But the point is I camped and I survived. Let's just hope it's another fifteen years before the next outing.